Author Archives: agayanoic

  • 0

Respiratory Hijacking

Category : Stories

What has just happened one evening in the matt I had boarded is what can be safely called #Respiratory_hijacking. One of the people sitting at the back of the matt had sounded alarm at the rapid change in the composition of air saying ”Ebu fungua hii dirisha kuna mtu ameachilia kitu hapa” and within few seconds the driver of the matt had lowered the volume just to testify that his nostrils had also picked up some foreign smell saying ”kwani huyo mtu alikula nini…imefika hadi huku”. The whole matt was now talking about it some saying they felt its impact and magnitude but thot maybe the matt had stopped near an open drain, some elderly Swahili lady was busy lamenting how people nowadays don’t have manners saying ”Na hata hana aibu, tuko kwa jamu badala ya ashuke aende akaliondoe huko nje anaifanyia mumu humu ndani”��.

One of the passengers suspected the conductor to be the architect of the now famous fart as shortly before its effect, the conductor had visibly ”stepped outside to look for change” and all of us seemed to be in agreement with him. Someone even went further to say ”Dereva next time ambia huyo conductor awache kukula githeri haijaiva vizuri na Avocado imeoza” . I looked back at him, was very tempted to correct him and alert him that what they had inhaled was a fart rich in digested grilled meat (Athola) some fried fish & vegetables that I had ingested today at #Ronalo_kosewe (#Supreme_Leader_Titoh can attest to that) but this was not the time to take responsibility, they had already made their verdict. And to appear very agonised by the happenings so as not to raise suspicion, I also joined the mob justice saying ”Huyo conda ajiangalie vizuri kabla arudi kwa gari juu labda amejiharia ehh”. While flapping myself with the magazine I had carried.

*The barging questions (more of verbal assaults) that met the conductor when he came back esp from that swahili elderly lady…….I hope to be forgiven one day!!

 

This blog has been published courtesy of Kevin Soko.


  • 0

Music Volume That Cares…

Category : Stories

The other day, I was surprised the response from the matatu crew when a fellow passenger asked for the volume level to be raised. Here is a snippet of the conversation:

Passenger: Dere! Si tuongeze volume kidogo sasa…

Driver: Kwa nini? Si hapo iko tu sawa.

Passenger: Zii! Reggae sio tune iko na kelele.

Driver: Beyond hiyo volume level actually ni kelele.

Passenger: Haipigi kelele juu ni reggae.

Driver: Boss, unajua tunajaribu kusaidia watu hutumia simu, labda mtu ni msick na hataki kelele au kuna mtu sio fan wa hizo ngoma. Ndio maana siwezi ongeza volume.

Out of that conversation, you could understand that the driver was concerned about the passengers and could  make you understand the need to conserve & make the traveler’s environment free of noise unless it turns out to be a “noisy journey”.

If all matatus were managed this way…


  • 0

The Amazing Storyteller

Category : Stories

Ever been in a mat then something debatable happens? You realize that there is that one person who waits for the opportune time and keeps conversing as he tries to create fun & pun out of the situation. This is always “AN AMAZING STORYTELLER”.

Think of a fellow passenger who fails to songea mwenzake ili wakae watu wanne on that seat designated for 3 people(behind the driver on backbench). The Amazing Storyteller starts hitting the road running when he suddenly says, “Hii gari si yako, kama hutaki kusongea mtu ushuke. Kwani sisi tuko special juu tumefinyana?” OR “tunaenda home, haina haja ya kujifanya wewe ni mkubwa wao huwezi songa”. “Unasahu ukifika stage bado utatembea ukienda kwa nyumba yako. Hii si gari yako ikupeleke kwa mlango.”

Amazing Storytellers(consciously on unconsciously) will always do a stand up comedy regardless of whether there is an audience or not. To him, he is sure that someone’s listening and he ensures the comedy runs until he alights from the ride. The fellow who is always dragged along the conversation is just the makanga who will be required to respond and give his piece of mind regardless of whether he is interested or not.

To be an amazing storyteller, one has to possess the following characteristics:

a. Keen on happenings within/ around him.

b. Loudest.

c. Exhibit confidence even if there signs of exaggeration.

d. Have extra details that act as evidence to what you say.

e. Ensure that you side with the konda or else, “utanyamazishwa”

f. Have content and say it all until you jump off the ride.

g. Mention unnecessary details e.g. your name, where your work, occupation(most are always engineers – but never specifies the exact type).

h. Have a sense of humor – This is very key iff you want to keep me tuned to your broadcasting frequency.

This list is endless I can’t exhaust it, unless you want to make me the AMAZING…


  • 0
Ten Kenya Shilllings coin (10/=)

10 Bob is the Difference

Category : Stories

Surprised! Just the other day at the stage, while chilling to catch a mat at Namba nane stage(Prestige), Wanyee-Satellite onboarders treated us to a non-rehearsed but well performed short drama when in solidarity, they angamizad ‘kulipishwa fare si ya kawaida’. During the peak hours(baada ya kazi as one may call it), the standard charges(fare) from Namba nane to Kabiria(via Wanyee & Satellite), is 30 bob.

On this day, one of the matatu operators decided to chokoza utulivu wa wasafiri when on arrival, he called them in “Wanyee Kabiria 40bob!!’ No sooner had he uttered those words than he was booed at by the passengers in unity,  “EEEEEEEEEEHHH!!! Aaaaiiiiihhh!”

One guy shouted, “Enda peke yako!”

Another one, “Kwani utatushukisha kwa mlango?”

The other one, “Kwani iko na auto-driver?”

The protest must have made the konda realize & keep in mind that 10 bob can let you have a duo trip – konda na dere pekee yao.

I think the next time he wished to increase the rates, he would have to think twice.


  • 0

MANSPREADING

Category : Stories

Just checked the Oxford Dictionary, on matatu vocabulary. There is a new word recently introduced. “MANSPREADING” which is used to describe those people — usually men — who sit and take up two spaces in a matatu.

Hey Ladiesss! Now you know the name for those people who squeeze you while seating kwa mat.

 


  • 0

New Route ALERT!

Category : Stories

New Route in TOWN!
Killeton SACCO is happy to announce their new routes effective 1st September, 2015.
The new route will see these matatus ply between the following:

1. Yaya Centre to Ngara via by-pass.
2. Kileleshwa to Ngara.
3. Lavingtone to Ngara.

They have set a standard fare of 40/= on their new throughout the day.
As Matatu Mobi we shall keep in touch to inform you of the latest developments


  • 0

Shuka na Jam

Category : Stories

This is a common phrase used by the konda when approaching the stage but there is some traffic snarl-ups causing slow movement of cars. This at times turns out to be a risky affair especially when the police or kanjo are around.


  • 1

Pay Less While Standing

Category : Stories

After an awesome working day… On my way home. Tuko stage(mimi na wasafiri wengine). To be precise, I board matatus that ply route 2(Dagoretti Mkt)- or rather Ndonyo vile zinajulikana. At the stage, there are two 14-seater matatus zote zikiita customers, “Ongwaro 40 Ongwaro 40 Ongwaro 40…(yaani Kawangware 40 bob). I pay less attention to them-unless it is rainy-because I have a feeling of being robbed(bear with me that’s how I describe overcharged). Infact! Let’s stop talking about them!!!

Approaching the stage is a modern, pimped, cool, with hype & swag… (add your awesome description) 25 seater matatu. “Ongwaro 30… Ongwaro 30… Ongwaro 30”. I decide to board it and take my seat. “Muziki nayo!”(Help me say it in English). Everyone gets comfortable and goes about his business(sura ya kazi na kuuma ndimu- Nyumba kumi initiative has no space here) and soon we are ready to start our journey.

Our ride is full so Mr. driver as expected gently accelerates(anakanyaga mafuta) only for the touts’ tune to change; “Ongwaro 20 kusimama… Ongwaro 20 kusimama… Ongwaro 20 kusimama”… (20 shillings for those who wish to stand). “Aiiii!!!” My neighbour murmurs. No sooner does he join the standing passengers, than the Head of Fare & Passenger Management shouts, “Wewe unatupima? Hebu shuka… tembeza na si tafadhali(some words withheld)”. Away from that, I just realize how cheap it is to travel while standing than seated. Kusimama means taking over from the path way. Kumaanisha utakuwa ukikanyagwa(kiasi tu).

PRO TIP: All you got to do so as to ‘pay less’ is just be at the stage(at a radius of 60cm to 1.5metres away from the matatu) as if you never use the matatu to get home, wait until all seats are occupied, then it will be turn to be called in at an attractive rate(to continue standing while in motion).


Matatu Stories